Private Show

Private Show
If my girl wants a show, I'll give her a show

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Slightly Heavy Stuff.

Sitting here creating my playlist for Private Message and I am in tears.

Just listening to some good ol' music from my teenage years (not THAT long ago!) and thinking about what I have accomplished since this album came out, when I was in high school.

I was told by many people that I wouldn't achieve anything. For years trying to make my mark in this giant world.

Torn down from top to bottom.

Your not smart enough.
Your art isn't good enough.
Art isn't a life.
Your not pretty enough.
Your too weird.

Now at 26, I an just now starting to come out of my shell.
Still insecure. But I am trying, but I have always felt I was in the way or being annoying. Like I am not worth your time. You probably have better things to do. I ramble when I get nervous and I don't think before I type, until after then the worry and dread fills me.

Crap, I shouldn't have said that.
I should have just left it alone.
I am sorry to waste your time.
I just don't know what to say, so I go in circles avoiding what I really want to say. Which then makes me feel stupid for even trying.
My heart drags a beat.

I am working on being assertive. I don't want to be that shy awkward girl. But when you were never accepted by others growing up, makes it tough.
So when someone is nice to you, you feel like its going to fall apart.
They will say never mind.

I get excited easily, so I want to talk about it all the time. But I am sure your annoyed by now.
I want to shut up, but I am struggling.
Just curious. Whats on your mind.
I need assurance.
That's all.
Soon I won't.

My confidence if growing. I know I have talent now.
But it almost feels like someone will catch on and say "your really not that good."
So my skin has thickened slightly, but I am still fragile and insecure.

I am more than grateful for the kindness brought upon me.
I just don't want to disappoint.

But one thing I never doubted: My weirdness.

Just bare with me. Please.

Here is a video of one of my favorite bands back in school and their awesome video. Yellowcard: Only One


  1. WOW! Just so you know, you are very talented and you may not realize it but you have left a mark on this world just by posting this. You have described so many people including myself and it helps to know that I'm not alone in how I feel about myself. You are inspiring and that in itself is a great mark to leave. Thank you <3

    1. Thank you. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to share this. I know I am not the only one like this, and I want others to know that. I just hope I can get enough people to read this. Just to understand.